Love Letters? Pssh More Like Sibling Rivalry
by alice and edward cullen
Summary: Edward and Alice battle it out as they write and respond to witty letters from each other -well WE like to think they are witty- and aim to outsmart each other... R
1. Chapter 1

**Dearest Edward**, or should I say _Mr Sparkly-Pants_?

I am writing this letter to you because I know how much you, ok well _I,_ love receiving letters

–_pouts-_ and no one else will co-operate with me, but I know that you will.

–_growls threateningly-_ or else.

All I want is a friendly heart-to-heart chat_ -puppy dog eyes-_

For I am your_ FAVOURITE_ sister after all.

_-glares at you until you grudgingly admit it-_

_-you rudely demand that i skip the friendly facade scene and get straight to the real intent of the letter- _

Well now that you mention it, actually I _do_ have a bone to pick with you. Concerning a certain _feeling_ that you had last week. That's right. I know you're up to something Edward-Anthony-Mason-Cullen. _–snaps fingers in Z formation- _

How do I know, you ask?

Well you see, I have certain_ connections_.

And one of those _connections _just happens to be able to feel what others are feeling at any moment in time.

And _naturally_ he is considerably more loyal to me, because well, I can give him _far more_ than you can.

Obviously.

Ok. Well maybe if you really wanted to I suppose you could match me. But really Edward? That would just be too much. And anyway he would never leave me for you, because well… Incest much?

–_twitches and coughs loudly- _Anyway moving on…

So _-looks intently at you hoping to draw truth out of your mind- _Tell. Me. _**WHY.**_ You were feeling a mixture of distinct amusement, shiftiness, malice and anticipation last week. _**WHY? WHY? WHY?**__**WHY? WHY?(**__continues with this for the next decade or so)_

_-growls menacingly-_

And if you don't tell me _**NOW**_. I will _personally_ make you life hell. Aka_: YOUR ENTIRE EXISTANCE._

And you know I will keep to my word.

Because well, you know how much I _**LOVE **_to infuriate you. _–crazed eyes-_

And how will I do that you question?

Well I'll give you a little insight into _Phase One of Infinity:_

Two words: The. Seventies.

Enough said.

Because you see _I_ just happen a have a rather exclusive copy of a certain _black and white_ video recording. And this said recording involves some very_ revealing_ and should I say, _disturbing,_ footage.

Involving you.

_-insert evil laughter here- _

Oh _yess_. You know the exact tape I'm talking about.

And as if that wasn't incentive enough to make you tell, I have also kidnapped a certain Purple, Sparkly, Synthetic Mountain Lion.

Which you seemed so _awfully_ fond of.

_-hears you smashing a giant peach against the wall in anger as you hear my thoughts- (lol what you were doing with a giant peach in the first place I have no idea)_

Oh dear. Have I seemed to have hit a nerve?

_-dangles_ _Sir Brian Ulric Titus Theodore Odicus Charlie Katherine Septimous the Fourty Seventh and a Half__, or_ _Sir B.U.T.T.O.C.K.S__, as i like to point out, the Purple Sparkly Synthetic Mountain Lion off the edge of a cliff-_

_-hears you smashing a second giant peach against the wall in anger as you hear my thoughts yet again- _

Well anyways, Jasper is waiting, and you know what its like,

_-pauses-_ ok, well maybe you don't.

–_laughs cruelly-_

**xx The Golden Child**

(You know it's true, because, after all,

I am the _**most loved**_in the family.)

P.S: Reply quickly like I know you will _–taps head knowingly-_

P.P.S: And Remember: **I OWN YOU.**

_**Warning: If you don't review this chapter a big hairy vampire will come to your bed and rape your dog.**_

Edward: Errr... doesn't that mean that the big hairy vampire would rape your dog in YOUR BED?

Ewwww.

Alice: Uh huh. I wouldn't want to risk it if I were them.

_(screams at you the reader)_ SO WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR? QUICK BEFORE THE BIG HAIRY VAMPIRE COMES!! **REVIEW!** _**REVIEW FOR YOUR LIVES! AND YOUR DOGS VIRGINITY!**_

* * *


	2. Chapter 2

To dearest Al…

No no _**no**_, definitely not. Look at the letter _she_ sent you. Pretend you're not hurt inside and feign indifference to those hurtful words.

-_scrunches up paper and throws in bin_-

* * *

This letter is addressed to Alison… oh sorry, my bad, what was it?

Ahhh I do recall now, partly due to a certain _look_ I received from you across the room as you read this introduction through a vision: Alice.

If you are expecting an affectionate reply, than you will need to brace yourself 

-_snarls_-

For this is anything _but_ affectionate.

I begin my case on your word choice in a particular sentence which read something like: 'For I am your _FAVOURITE_ sister after all.' However, it appears you are completely mistaken.

Lets just assume that you are actually feminine and _not_ a cross dresser, how can you be so sure that I do not prefer Rosalie? And how are you so definite that these are possibly the only _two_ girls in the family?

Yes, you see, I got you there fair and square.

-_cough English nerd poet rhymer cough_- 

Well I would love to hear any suggestions of the "feeling" that your Jazzy bear thought he picked up, might it have been, oh lets say, due to the fact that:

**I**

**FOUND**

**YOUR **

**DIARY**

Now my dear, no need to be angry because remember, you are my _FAVOURITE_ sister after all.

-_laughs awkwardly_- 

For the benefit of your lack of memory, I shall quote a page that I found quite, well _amusing,_ to say in the least. Never again shall you try to fit in with humans and their weird habits, however I can provide some other examples of later reoccurrences – did you _ever_ learn?

"_I most curiously observed some people shoving their fingers down their throats. On a closer inspection, they seemed to be chewing something. As they lowered their tanned hands (what I would give for a tan like that) it appeared that they had been biting their nails. Being the most fashionable creature in the family, I decided to join in this little trend setter before it became old, and started to bite my finger nails._

_Edward smirked at me as we met in the cafeteria of our current school in London, and at that point I did not know why, nor did I appreciate the smugness. So I humphed and continued my latest habit…_"

Let me continue the story myself, I believe you did not have the courage to complete it in your diary, may I add how very saddening, and I will _of course _provide a much more accurate version.

Upon the discovery that vampires lack the human ability and function to grow, uhhh certain _nails_ for instance, I have never seen a face grow whiter. And that's saying something!

Then I'm sure the scream that followed utterly pierced nature, at least my _ears_ for God's sake, and of course super sensitive vampire hearing didn't help the situation either. So to this very day you attempt to hide your left hand, although we all know the truth

-_laughs evilly_- 

-_immediately stops when you mentally threaten to reveal more about my past_- 

Errr where were we? Ahhh yes. 

I believe that in your naming of my purple, sparkly, synthetic mountain lion, a certain _error_ occurred. It is actually Sir Brian Ulric Titus Theodore Odicus Katherine Charlie Septimous the Forty Seventh and a Half, meaning that the abbreviation would be **BUTTOKCS**.

Can't you see the immense difference through the rearrangement of letters? It would be in your best interests if you caught on soon.

And no, I do not know how waiting for certain encounters with Jasper feels, although my earlier point about your indefinite femininity would question the side of the street you're parked on, so to speak. 

You know I cannot wait to reveal the more deadly pages of your journal, for that was only the beginning of something much, much more. 

-_turns off light and evilly laughs with torch illuminating face_-

**The Piano Whiz**

(You can never beat my oh so talented fingers no matter how hard you try)

P.S: I need not ask you to reply as you are already, so I will just remind you: YOU THINK YOU'RE ALL THAT ALICE WHITLOCK, BUT YOU'RE NOT!

* * *

**Warning: If you do not review this then Sir BUTTOCKS will take a **_**visit**_** to your toy box and attack all your soft, cuddly, warm, delicious, stuffed, **_**defenceless**_** toys, ripping their heads off into shreds and devouring their fluffy insides.**

-insert ripping noise here, accompanied by evil chortle and then choking sound-

**And if you haven't reviewed the first letter, He Who Must Not Be Named In All Of Toyland will release his army of social revolutionary peasant **_**minions**_** to feast upon your soul.**

Muahaahha hahahha HA!

Alice: Hey Eddy Teddy, after all your tedious efforts to prove that Sir BUTTOCKS is really spelt with the K before the C, why did you allow me the victory of your spelling error in the warning?

Edward: -coughs and stutters- Spelling error? _What_ spelling error? Just because you can't read properly Alice.

Alice: Uh huh. You're the real deal. So allow me to pat myself on the back for a well won battle. 

Edward: -pouts with puppy dog eyes-

Alice: Fine. Very well. A small, _infinitely_ small, pat for the sore loser who can't admit he is a very bad sport.

**A big thank you to all our reviewers, we might just spare you that terrible fate mentioned above (note the word MIGHT) although those who review twice as much will most likely be saved. **


	3. Chapter 3

_**Dearest**_**Eddie Teddy.**_(please take note of the _heavy_ sarcasm)_

_-FUMES-_

_-Looks at left hand and almost cries- _

_-Composes self and recommences fuming-_

You know Edward, as a brother you are a major disappointment. What have_ I_ ever done to you? _–pouts- _

Come on. Stealing my precious diary? You already invade my thoughts. Why must you take it that one-step further? Why? _–takes a deep breath in to calm self-_ Your lowly ways have left me no other option brother. _–Wipes away fake tear-_ I'm telling Carlisle on you. perhaps he can finally install some decency into you.

Because who would he likely side with? Well me. Obviously. _–smug look-_ Because look at me - the sweet, little, innocent, _pure _love of the family who has never done anything harmful to anyone _–draws halo above head-_ and then look at you: the solitary, cruel and uncaring rejefct who has nothing better to do than torment his younger, _defenceless _sister. –Le sob- well that's it Edward. I have had enough of your evil ways.

This.

Is.

_**War.**_

And let's face it. I am going to win. Because you see, I have a husband. And you are just a lonely old man with no one who has your best interests at heart. Lol and Jasper would do anything for me, even smash the bejebus out of you. and come to think of it so would Emmett, because well he just loves to punch anything full stop. _–Chuckles evilly_- so I would start running if I were you….

But on second thought… Emotional blackmail can hurt much,_ MUCH_ more than physical pain.. _–shrugs shoulders-_ so why not do both? Mwahahahaa oh how I love to see you squirm. _–stares off into the distance imagining you squirming_-

Oh you're in for it now Edward Anthony. You are in for it now. In fact, by the time I am done with you, you will be paying a little _permanent_ visit to the local mental asylum. (you should really try the gruel, it is actually rather tasty_.) –Cough_NotThatIHaveEverBeenThere_Cough-_

But where to start? Where to start? Hmmm. I think I shall just have to consult my list.

–_Dramatically draws out list- _

_-List unfolds and unfolds until it is a mile long-_

Lol as you can see I have _several_ ideas. All quite promising I must say.

But ah where were we?

Oh, that's right, number one.

_-Insert villainous laughter here-_

**(Gets hit with vision)**

(you and I are both sitting in a dimly lit room on either side of your desk)

-_I_ _lean in closer and whispers conspiratorially-" _I know about THE stick."

_-you confusedly ask "what stick?" -_

" You know... the magic one. "

_-You deny any knowledge of such object and immaturely cover your ears and start singing- _

"DON'T PLAY DUMB WITH ME FOOL! _-turns on lamp and shines it into your face-_ Well let's see how you act when you see THIS."

_- Draws out folder with 'Exhibit A' labelled clearly on the front and slams it down on desk with hand-_

_-Leans in closer, and towers over you threateningly- _

_-You timidly open it to find a picture of you holding a wand and you splutter in disbelief- _**_(LINK_ _IS ON PROFILE)_**

"Oh yes. I know your secret Mr-Being-A-Vampire-Isn't-Good-Enough-So-I-Have-To-Go-Round-Being-A-Harry-Potter-Wannabee-As-Well. God. _What on earth_ has gotten into you? I am severely disappointed in you."_ –shakes head in disbelief- _

"ButThis Has To STOP

It Is NOT Healthy!

_-You snarl and accuse me of deceitfulness – _

_-I continue as if you hadn't spoken- _And that is why I have been forced to enlist the help of a certain _–dun Dun DUNNN-_ Dr. SheppardsPie to help you through these troublesome times."

_-you quiver in fear- _

"Oh you remember him do you? yess he proved to be _very _effective last time I called upon him for his assistance. In fact, he was the one who suggested that I photo shop you in in the first place. _–Laughs wickedly -_ It's very good work isn't it? No one will ever be able tell the difference… -_ waves picture around- _and oh I am very sure that the fan girls over at the 'I-LOVE-EDWARD fan club' would pay a pretty penny for this.

MWAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!

**(End of Vision)**

So now that you have seen what will happen if you don't hand back my diary and forget everything that you read in it, I'm sure that you will willingly hand it over. _–glares and waits for you to hand it back-_

And Edward? Are you questioning my femininity? _–goes to flutter left hand to show off long rainbow coloured nails but thinks better of it and decides to wave right hand instead while battering eyelashes and smiling sweetly-_

Also, I assure you that I am heterosexual, although I should ask you the same question – cause I'm not going to lie.. I personally have always thought that you were gay. I see how you look at Jasper. And Emmett. And Carlisle for that matter. _–looks away slightly disturbed-_ gosh Edward, your own father? _–twitches-_ Oh but I suppose you _are_ the adopted one in the family. _-Laughs heartlessly –_

**xx Alice Possible.**

(danger or trouble; I'm there on the double;  
you know that you always can call  
ALICE Possible)

**PS:** and enlighten me: who in the family are you actually implying is a woman? Its Emmett right? I've always suspected that there was something up there…

**PPS:** _"You can never beat my oh so talented fingers no matter how hard you try"_ –purses lips- there are just so many comebacks flooding through my mind right now that it is just too hard to choose. but I'm sure you can hear all of them_.–Shakes head in disgust- _

* * *

**Dearest Reader:**

**HEED THIS WARNING:**

Those who do not review will suffer a terrible, unthinkable fate and will be **cursed** for precisely a million years, 123 days, 69 hours and 4 minutes and point 7 of a second.

Now we do understand that for many of you mortal peasants out there, the curse will most certainly exceed your lifetime. But you see humans, that this curse has been extended to past your death. Oh yess… **terrible fates are inevitable**, your bones will rot and your corps will hold host to several different species of fungi, all of which will be purple and sparkly.

To prove to you that the curse is, in fact, real, I shall present to you a case study of what happened to a dear friend of mine when she disregarded a warning very alike to this one.

_-puts on psychologist glasses- _

Now _**Victoria**_ is a very _special_ child. (Please take note of the illusion to her poor lack of mental health) and well to cut a long story short, she made a rather large fool of herself on her way to school, with her sleeping in, almost missing the train, almost hoping on the wrong train and then having all of her notes for a certain in-class essay fluttering away from her in a seemingly nonchalant gust of wind. To add to this already seemingly cursed day, her violin case broke, making it very hard to get off the train for various reasons, and then once finally exiting the carriage, and dumping all of her numerous broken objects on the nearest bench, she found that it had just only been recently painted a vibrant shade of red. Then as if that wasn't bad enough, she had gotten off at the wrong station.

Now I'm sure a couple of you are sceptical – I know, I cant believe it actually happened either- but believe me, this actually happened.

_-Laughs hysterically- _

**So unless you want to suffer the same fate as _Victoria_, I would get reviewing if I were you.**

**Lots of Love and Reviews,**

**ALICE. :)**


	4. Chapter 4

**Beloved Chalice** (for what else rhymes with Alice?? Well except for _callous_)

(NOTE TO YOU: this response will contain much use of _heavy_ sarcasm also. Be afraid. Be **very** afraid.)

I write addressing a certain photographic exhibit you posted of me based on -_flicks wand_- Hogwarts society.

Let me put forward my defensive argument to prove your complete failure at being a good hula hooper (because my hips move faster than yours -_snaps fingers in z formation_- I mean hips -_cough_- what man has hips?)

It is as follows, and if you feel the need to challenge this, you can speak to my lawyer, the one and only dodo the…**dodo** (1800 PIGS FLY):

**1.** I question, why must you always be sneaking around with that camera of yours?

And I mean _all_ the time, it has gotten to the stage where Jasper's thoughts consist only of plans to destroy the goddam technology which involve: **a)** exchanging it with gypsies for a tambourine, **b)** melting it in a pot of hot tomato sauce and **c)** using it to smash open coconuts on a tropical island.

Is it bad enough that you captured photos of Emmett dressed as a _CareBear_ and me as a _Teletubby_?? (before the readers ask, I was **NOT** Tinky Winky, rather I always had a -_shifty eyes_- thing for Po)

I mean it was a children's party, a twenty-first isn't exactly an age old enter-the-drop-false-teeth-walking-sticks-and-frame-stampede affair, compared to say…well for lack of a hotter, sexier, smarter, talented, _extremely_ modest creature – **ME**!!

-_does an Edward Cullen dance_-

**2.** Magic wands are so cool that **a)** polar bears died out and **b)** you are just jealous and secretly pining to join the MAGIC Club (_Mutilate Alice's Geographically International Convention_).

And the scar makes me look ten times, no a million _infinite_ times better than you'll ever be.

Yes, I'm afraid your moustache just **can't** live up to the high expectations. Which reminds me, I still have your diary -_smirks_- and I believe you wrote a very _enlightening_ entry.

-_ahem_-

I shall quote word for word, letter for letter, spelling error for spelling error, etc for etc:

"**It was the annualle mousse-tache event and as I brushed my hare in the mirror, fachial hair that is, I could almost feal the trophee in my hands as a vivid dreame overtook my sensess. I reliased it was not a dreame but a visien, and I knew what I had to do. Pom poms, mini umbreallas, feathers and pipe kleaners were arrangeed in the shape of a carrot. And of coarse, my mousse-tache was brite brite blue, the colour of the fruit, DUH."**

-_you fume reading this letter in your vision_-

If it is a war you want, well then it is a war you shall get.

I repeat, any passengers boarding flight 103…

-_cough cough_-

-_shuffles papers on desk awkwardly-_

-_shifts glasses higher on nose_-

Now, where were we, ahhhh. Dear Chalice.

**OH MY GAWWWWD **

-_runs around in circles_-

According to my scientific calculations, some of your mental disorders and complete craziness has rubbed off on me leading to memory loss. After all these years I thought I was immune, only to discover _this_.

Oh it's high time you walked the plank my friend. 

Speaking of planks, I've always wondered how it would feel to nail one onto a wooden frame, revelling in the promise of hitting your hand with a hammer and extracting life threatening blisters…

Alice.

What.

Have.

You.

**DONE?**

I am ruined, ruuuiiinnnneeeeeeeedddddddddd. It is time for a taste of your own medicine, my enemy.

-_searches through cupboard for medicine and finds osteoporosis pills_-

I think we are all well past that age…

-_shrugs_-

I believe I need to call in some other forces.

-_eyes widen in traumatised shock_-

Did you threaten me with Dr SheppardsPie?

-_quivers in fear_-

But…but…I th-thought that was confidential. Just because I was experiencing some green tree frog symptoms.

And you dare even question my masculinity?? If anyone in our family felt an inkling of desire such as that I would be **100.000 000 000 000 1** accurate that it is _YOU_. Oh I heard your thoughts of Mrs BumpkinSoup and let me say, they weren't pretty. But I mean _come on_, a chubby sixty seven year old woman. Your taste **disgusts** me.

I believe it might be time to visit **dun dun DUNNN**… Dr StinkyBreath

-_you run away screaming profanities while I cackle endlessly in the darkness_-

(this time I brought rechargeable batteries for my torch)

-_you swear to smell the bad breath over your shoulder and turn around slowly, meeting face to face with a certain dungeon dweller_-

**Yours Vampirely,**

**Edward Potter (yes, the **_**chosen one**_**. So take that and smoke it in your pipe, you worthless being with no prophecies)**

**PS.** I heard that research conducted showed that people that play the piano (talented hands) achieve more pleasurable results in other…_hobbies_.

**PPS.** Don't expect your diary back any time soon. And your threats are empty – as **if** you still have old videos of me from the 50's to 80's. -_shifty_ _eyes_- Don't be absurd.

And yes, I promised (**unfortunately**) to include a small section about how much I -_clears_ _throat_- love you. So here it is:

-_crickets_ _chirp_-

-_tumbleweed_ _blows_ _past_-

**THE END.**

Dah da da de dah. dah de.

* * *

**THE WARNING:**

If you do not review this, you will suffer a plague of _unquenchable_ desire to plant purple sparkly mushrooms in a cupboard under the stairs.

(Yes, we just had to continue the Harry Potter theme)

And if you do not have a cupboard under the stairs, then you shall have an urge to build one to plant purple sparkly mushrooms there.

Alice: Wow I'd be pretty sure to review then. At least a few times.

Edward: Although, I did want to nail planks together…

-_formulates plan_-

Alice, lets build a cupboard under the stairs, I always wanted indoor plants.

Alice: What's the fun of them if you don't have any _dangerou__**s**_ ones?

-_eyes glisten as they plan to get the gettable: _**EMMETT**-

Edward and Alice:_ -insert incredibly EVIL laugh here-_

Alice: oh and _PS:_ if you just happen to _like_ purple sparkly mushrooms.. for various reasons cough...and do not have your own supply at home so actually WANT to have the desire to plant them in a secret cupboard under the stairs, WELL NEVER FEAR!! if your review saying that you still want mushrooms, we will give you dun Dun DUNNN..

FREEE MAGICAL DUST!!_ -insert crazed eyes here-_ They do _wonders_ for you and your plants. hee hee.


	5. Chapter 5

**To my least dearest Dead-Wood. **

Are you questioning my sanity and my superior intellect? _–pouts-_grrr.. just because I have spent time in an asylum and you haven't. _Yet_. Just you wait my pretty just you wait... mwahahhaaa.

And, as a matter of fact, I happen to cherish my insanity thank-you-very-much. For one thing, I get free stuff from strangers on the street. And another it allows me to view the world from a whole other dimension, broadening my horizons, offering new view points to myself which no other can experience. I am truly one of a kind. I think it makes me rather mysterious don't you think? Because no one can ever truly know what I am thinking... well except for you... and still I have my ways of concealing my thoughts... but that is neither here nor there... _–cough-_

Hmm and you ask why I carry round my precious camera? _-Strokes it evilly-_ well_. –purses lips-_it's for ermm confidential matters. _–laughs awkwardly-_ Don't you ever have the urge to capture your best moments on film?

_-you look up from reading this with a disturbed, slightly perverse look on face-_

And no Edward. I wasn't implying that. Although I'm not denying that I have done so._ –stares off into _

_distance fantasising about past tapes and ones to come-_

_-snaps back to reality-_

_-cough- -shuffles paper-_where were we? Oh yess.

How can you deny you love me?

–_stares up to you with wide eyes-_

_-corner of lips tremble-_

After everything I have ever done for you... you can't even admit that you hold the tinniest of love for your darling sister?

But don't worry. I know how you secretly feel. No matter how _–twitch-_disturbing these feelings are.

I must say I _am_rather flattered though. But still. Eww Edward. Be reasonable. I am wayyyyy out of your league. _–scoffs-_

And what has planted this traumatising belief in my mind you enquire?

Well. Do you remember your Shakespearean phase that you went through in the early eighties?

Let me refresh your memory anyway.

**(Flashback)**

Edward: -_bursts through Alice's door, interrupting her from painting a self portrait of her dressed up as one of the evil pixies from Noddy- _

"HOLY HAT ALICE, my most favourite of favourites! I have finally finished it! I have perfected my dun Dun DUNNN play, titled "The Dream and Lie of Edvard Kullin" Would you please do me the honours of reading out the script with me?" _–pouts-_

Alice:"ohh if you insist... Jazz has gone out to collect berries in a basket in a red riding hood cape, so that he can then squish them against his _delicious_ body to create _special_ red paint for me, hence leaving me _–sob-_ all alone. "

Edward: "-_Raises eyebrow- _Errr ok then.. But excellent!! Why don't you hang with me instead and have some _real fun._ _–jiggles eyebrows-_ You shall be Lady Alison, and I shall be Sir Edvard... completely fictional characters which in no way shape or form relate to us..._-coughs loudly-... _just erm clearing my throat."

_-hastily hands Alice script-_"ok. Well let us start with Act Seven, Scene Two, Line Twenty three."_–flicks open to page 147-_

Emmett: _-bursts through door-_"OMG! Can I be in the play too?" _–whines-_

Edward: -_awkward silence-_ "err. No sorry. This is... um...cough... private. It's not ready to be... shared with the public just yet."

Emmett: "Why must you hurt me so? "_–sobs_- "well I can see when I'm not needed. "_–slams door forcefully, sending it flying of the hinges-_

Alice: -_Starts reading out lines with much passion and feeling, as she is_ such_ a talented actress- _

"_I dig you. You are the hottest, sexiest ... most arousing, most ... orgasmic man to have ever roamed this earth. And I've been round a long time. If you weren't my ...-falters-... brother, I would jump you ... right now and ... –shivers- ... give you the best animal... –eye twitches-... sex-a-thon ... of your ... errr ... life'_... This is umm... rather _interesting_ Edward..."

–_glances up at Edward awkwardly who is in full costume dress, holding a sword absentmindedly and staring out into the distance with a twisted_ _smile on face_-

_-Jasper, back early from his hunting trip, bursts through wall like an angry maniac, leaving a Jasper sized hole in it-_

Jasper: "HOW DARE YOU HAVE SUCH FEELINGS FOR **MY** ALICE??"

_-leaps at Edward-_

-_looks down to see that he has accidently jumped right through Edwards sword- _

_-draws out sword from chest- "_AHA! I CHALLENGE YOU TO A DUEL!"

_-Edward and Jasper have a duel to end all duels. (With Jazzybear winning of course –grins-)_

**(End of Flashback)**

Ohh how naive I have been... this whole time I just thought it was an innocent misunderstanding... but now I see you were just a very lonely old man. _–stands on tippy toes to ruffle your hair-_ aww, how cute. _–laughs and points-_

-_foresees that Jasper will be coming home in a matter of seconds-_

Sorry, but I _really_ must be going now, Jasper has returned with more berries. _–mischievous glint in eyes- _(We really do make the best paint:- to order call – 1800-JASPER-FLAVOURED-PAINT)

**xx The Proud Owner of Asylum Cell 647**

PS: U dair make a mokery of my pour speling?? _–Glares-_yoou arr just jelous tht i hav my owne indiviidual fenetical langiuage sistem. _–smug look- _

PPS: -_GASP_- DR STINKYBREATH? –_quivers in fear- _How did you know about him??

–_hides behind a topless, berry- soaked Jasper-_

_-licks him- _

* * *

**WARNING:**If you do not review a bus will mysteriously appear at your window, but unlike the little happy Magic School Bus, and also unlike the flying car of Harry Potter, this bus will gnaw you to shreds with its blaster wheels and impale you on its windscreen wipers. Then it will force you to perform a tribal dance in an Indian feather hat. While you are distracted with the specific steps to this dance, a demonic Ms Frizzle will sneak up behind you and smash your head in with a toaster and mummify you with Christmas patterned sticky tape. She will then use clapsticks to imitate and mock your ONCE beating heart and as a way of celebrating your ultimate death, she will feast on wild wolves before brushing her teeth with a fish skeleton.

Review. or suffer the consequences. -ominous lightning strike in background-


End file.
